Broken Wings of an Angel
by lesbian-love
Summary: Bella is very different from the Bella Edward left. Now she gets through life with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and cutting. I take burns or flames willingly! Warning: smoking, alcohol, cutting, drug use, and maybe lemons. ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

_**Broken Wings of a Broken Angel**_

_**By: Parker Lexington **_

He's truly gone, he's not coming back…I miss him…I miss him so bad. But no. He doesn't love me. He never did. But I can't stand it anymore. I just want to leave. Everything feels like a dream. But it's too painful to be a dream. Especially what I've been doing.

Right now, I'm standing in the shower, with a razor to my arms. Watching the blood flow from the other deep gashes. Ecstasy. The only things I can do to keep my mind from him, are smoking, doing drugs, alcohol, and cutting. I am very different from the old Bella…but I love the new Bella.

I replaced my mahogany hair with short black scene hair. I know how much he used to love my long hair. So I had to change it. I have snake bites, a nose piercing, 2 eye brows, 5.8 gauge earrings, a belly button, and a tragus. None of them really hurt. What does hurt are peoples staring.

Charlie isn't much wiser then everyone else. He doesn't care why I take such long showers, he doesn't care about my extensive purchase of razors, he doesn't care about the piercings, he doesn't care about the hair, he doesn't care about the clothing, he doesn't even care why I send so much time in my room. I don't thing he cares about me anymore…well who does?

I got out of the shower, dried myself off, put some rubbing alcohol on my fresh cuts, and walked out of the bathroom. I went to my room, and pout on some skull pajama pants, and a black thermal shirt with some designs on it. I curled up in bed, and grabbed my journal. This journal is full of poems, feelings, and dripped blood…

I grabbed my shiny purple pen…my precise… and started to write. Tonight I decided to write a poem. I slowly wrote with all the agony in my heart just pouring out. I slowly wrote everything I was feeling, every pinprick emotion.

_It took all my strength to stay here__  
__In the darkness only your voice I can hear__  
__To see your face and touch your heart__  
__My fear keep drifting us apart___

_Felt like I'm falling in bottomless abyss__  
__But you're the one who lure me in, I couldn't resist__  
__Wordless I need to say to show__  
__This is a part of the life I know___

_Every time I fell asleep__  
__I saw you in my dream__  
__And every time I open my eyes__  
__I realized it's what it seems___

_I'm tired of spreading my broken wings__  
__Just to caught up with you I kept on flying__  
__You're still so far away__  
__I can't find the words to say___

_Maybe we're just meant to be in different line__  
__I think I'm giving up this time__  
__But before I go I want you to know__  
__Without you I'll be back to being hollow___

_But If you could come with me, stay with me__  
__You'll keep me alive, you'll make me breathe__  
_

It was true. Without him, I am slowly dying. Everything reminds me of him…from the music player in the corner, to the window on the wall. I remember, for the first week I just locked myself in my room. Until I found my little friend hiding in my sock drawer. A little, shiny razor. And everything is a blur from there. From my first cigarette, to my first beer, to my first hit. Everything is **so** much better now…

I leaned back onto my pillows, pulled out a cigarette lit it, took out my flask took a sig of whisky, and pulled out my side table drawer and took 2 Vicodins. My nighttime ritual. To nights going to be a good night. Tomorrows going to be hell.

_A/N: Is it good? Is it bad? I don't care! Just respond! How did you like my poem? Written from the heart, really truly! I'm sorry it was so short. But next chapter will be longer. I promise! But I'm sorry, I'll have to have some good responses to continue!_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Broken Wings of a Angel**_

_**By: Parker Lexington **_

It's now morning. So I lay here, in my bed, lying on a tear soaked pillow. I try to open my eyes, but they are too heavy from the nightly crying. I try to lean up, but my body aches from thrashing around from the dreams. I can't even escape with sleep anymore; he's in my dreams too.

There is nothing left. There is only one thing left to live for, and that is life. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did he have to choose me for his game? Why did he have to make me fall in love with him? Why God, why? _WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?_

I let out a sigh of frustration, and turned to my side. I slowly tried to open my eyes again, and they complied. They eased up, and I looked at my bedside alarm clock. It was 4:13 in the morning. Great, just great. Now I get to lie for another 2 hours. Maybe I should do something to occupy my time.

I grabbed my notepad from under my pillow, and wrote an entry about the dream I had, it was so realistic, it was strange…:

_It was right after Edward left me in the forest,  
I was screaming my head off for him to come back,  
But he was no where to be seen.  
But then all the sudden everything went black,  
Everything started spinning, and swirling.  
Then when I opened my eyes again,  
Edward was there again.  
I was on the ground, moaning in pain.  
"Edward…help me…" I reached out for his hand.  
He cringed away, with a disgusted look.  
"Edward…please…I'm hurt, help me please."  
"No Bella, we need a clean break." He glared at me.  
"It's not that, just please help me. Take me to Carlisle."  
"No Bella, I don't want to, no one wants you"  
"It's not that, I just need a doctor Edward." I was pleading now.  
"I'm sorry Bella, I just can't do that." Then he left again.  
I laid there for hours screaming my head off,  
Until I woke up…

* * *

_

That's when I woke up from the horrifying dream. And I knew then, that I am not over Edward, and I will never be. He has my heart, and I will never have it back. '_You're human -- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.'_ Time heals all wounds, my ass. There is no point in living anymore; the light of my life is gone. The huge sparkling, pale moon, of my slightly starred sky has disappear.

But yet…I'm free…I'm free from his lies. I'm free from his overprotecting nature. I'm free from him. One part of me wishes for him to come back, but the other part of me wishes for him to come home. Which side will win one of these days? Will the side that wants him gone win, and I can finally get on with my life. Or will the side that wants him stay, and I will—for every waking moment—wait for him to come home, and I will die alone. Which side will give the bigger fight?

I gripped my notepad even harder in my hands; I grabbed my pen and scribbled so broken hearts, cloudy rainbows, and some more depressing doodles. But while I was doodling, I was thinking over my old thoughts…how I'm free. I truly am. I don't need a stupid sparkling vampire controlling my life anymore. I can live for myself!

I flipped to a new page and scribbled some lines of a poem…didn't like like…ripped it out. Tried it again, didn't like it, ripped it out. Again, I did it, and did it, and did it. After the 12 time, it was perfect. I read over it, and read over it, till I memorized it. It was perfect.

_As I sit in my corner and think about your lies,  
I have nothing else to do but break down and cry.  
You knew it would end,  
You knew it would die;  
You knew one day we'd say goodbye.  
You told me you loved me,  
You told me you cared  
But the rage inside had slowly flared.  
The moments we shared replay in my head  
Along with all the sweet lies you said.  
You thought it was a game  
You thought you'd win  
But in the end you felt nothing within.  
Deep down inside there was a big empty space  
That I now realize you couldn't replace.  
Something about you helped me see  
That without love I'm finally free.  
Free from pain,  
Free from lies,  
Free from having tear filled eyes._  
_Without your love I finally see  
All the horrible things you did to me._  
_  
_It's true. It's all true. I'm free. I'm free from his les and slander. I'm free from all the times he lied and told me he loved me. There is no more him. I'm myself now. No one can change that, and no one will. I will be my own person, as I already am. And…oh damn…it's Monday.

I looked at the clock again. 6:02. Good enough to pretend to wake up. I quietly got up, and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I rubbed my face with my hands, and let out a huge sigh. I looked through my fingers, to see my dust covered room. I barely ever used anything anymore. This room was meant for sleep, and privacy.

I stood up, and felt dizzy. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them everything was fuzzy. I rubbed my eyes. Then everything was okay. I walked a few feet to my stereo, and turned it on. It was playing _The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars. _I sang along with it.

_What if I wanted to break__  
__Laugh it all off in your face__  
__What would you do? (Oh, oh)__  
__What if I fell to the floor__  
__Couldn't take all this anymore__  
__What would you do, do, do?_

He wouldn't do anything. He doesn't care anymore. All he cares about is himself, and his stupid game. I jabbed my two purple hoop lip rings into there holes.

_Come break me down__  
__Bury me, bury me__  
__I am finished with you_

It was true, I was finally finished with him. But he already broke me down, he broke me down to nothing but a pulp of myself. I took my diamond stud nose ring and twisted it in. and took my silver eyebrow rings and stuck them in.

_What if I wanted to fight__  
__Beg for the rest of my life__  
__What would you do?__  
__You say you wanted more__  
__What are you waiting for?__  
__I'm not running from you (from you)_

It's true, if he wanted to break my heart, why didn't he do it faster? It would have saved us both some grieve. Him for wasting his time, mine for losing someone I loved…and still love. But all changes in good time. I thought as I took my rainbow gauges, pushed them in my ears. And grabbed my ruby tragus, and slammed it in.

_Come break me down__  
__Bury me, bury me__  
__I am finished with you__  
__Look in my eyes__  
__You're killing me, killing me__  
__All I wanted was you_

All I needed was you…all I wish I had was you. But I am finished, I'm finished moping around. It's true I miss him—I will forever—But I'll be fine. I walked over to my closet, and pulled out a black thermal long sleeve shirt, some red skinny jeans and slipped them on. Thank God I live in Forks, so I can always where long sleeve shirts!

_I tried to be someone else__  
__But nothing seemed to change__  
__I know now, this is who I really am inside.__  
__Finally found myself__  
__Fighting for a chance.__  
__I know now, this is who I really am._

This is who I truly am. I am a drug addict, I am an alcoholic, I am a cutter, and I am _me_. It's who I truly am. I'm tired of being that stupid push over Bella, now I run my own life. I slipped on my checkered red and black Vans, my white and black striped arm warmers, and red handkerchief scarf.

_Ah, ah__  
__Oh, oh__  
__Ah, ah

* * *

_

I walked downstairs to see my Charlie eating breakfast. He and I barely even talk anymore. Well we used to barely talk, but now it's even worse. "Hey Bella, how did you sleep? You barely screamed last night." He explained with a grin. I'm glad he thinks I'm doing better. The truth is that if he knew what was making me better, he wouldn't be that happy. I knew he wouldn't. No one would be. But know one knows, and know one will.

"Ya Dad. The dreams are getting better, so the sleep is too. How did you sleep?" I said with a small smile. He hasn't had a good night sleep since I had. I knew living here wasn't a good idea right now. But where would I go? So I'm just going to stay here for now, and everything is going to be okay in a while. Because I'm not going to be here.

Before he could respond I grabbed an energy bar, and back upstairs. I went to the bathroom and did my makeup. Lots of eyeliner, black smoky eye shadow, juicy red lips, and I painted my nails black. I walked back into my room and grabbed my flat brimmed red cap, and My Chemical Romance hoodie. I looked at the clock, and it was 7:36. Time to go to school. I walked back downstairs, and grabbed my car keys and my penguin backpack. I walked out to my truck, and hopped in. I stuck the keys into the ignition, and drove off to Forks High School.

I parked in my usual space, right at the end of the parking lot, underneath a bunch of trees. I walked out of the undergrowth, and walked to the benches. I put down my backpack, and pulled out a pen and my notepad. I started doodling, I doodled, and doodle, and doodled. I looked at my Ni Hao Kai Lan watch, and saw that it was 7:54. Huh…1 hour and 6 more minutes. **(A/N: Sorry…my school starts at 9:00)** I was the only one at the school so far, and I'm glad I was. I don't need their crap right now….

I sat there, doodling for 30 more minutes. Until…I saw a snowy white hand lay upon my paper.

_Could it be?_

**A/N: OH! Cliffy! Sorry haven't updated in a while, its just that finals are coming up and such and such, and such…**


	3. Plea for Help

Hey _Broken Wings of an Angel_ readers!

I'm Jordyn A.K.A VampiresLoveMe, one of Parker's good friends.

The reason why she hasn't been typing her story is because Issac, her brother, sent her to Rehab, away from home.

She went to Rehab because she has been addicted to Meth, and Heroin, and now back on it again.

She later left Rehab without contacting her family-not that I blame her.

She pretty much left and now is somewhere no one is sure of, and isn't given away her location.

Her girlfriend Sam broke up with her, finding put about her starting her old ways again.

She feels like she can't go on anymore, and just end it all.

So I need your help.

I need help persuading her to keep going on

Go to her profile and PM her, or just review this story.

If you wanna keep reading _Broken Wings of an Angel_ or any of her future stories she has planned.

Thank you, and keep Parker in your prayers,

~Jordyn


	4. Chapter 3

_**Broken Wings of a Angel**_

_**By: Parker Lexington **_

**A/N: I usually leave these at the end of the story but oh well. I am so sorry I left you with that extreme of a cliff hanger! I have been dealing with extreme writers block, and my own person issues.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the poem that is the handy word of my BFFL Lyn Miller!**

I looked at the snow white hand for a few more seconds. My eye sight was all blurry from the tears yep to fall, and my never. I didn't see any of the details or proportions or the hand, just the very pale color. Then suddenly the hand reached out and grabbed my wrist. The hand was small. It was delicate yet firm. It wasn't Edward. I wanted to scream to the gods. _It Wasn't Edward. _

"Bella? Are you alright?" I would know that bell like voice anywhere. But why couldn't I put a name to it? I remembered it, I knew it so well. But it seemed as though my mind was drawing blank for me on purpose. Like it didn't want me to remember like it didn't want me to get my hopes up.

I flinched out of the grasp the person had on me, and wrapped my arms around my chest. I slowly looked up to see the face of my old best friend. She stared at me with pain, shock, sadness, empathy, sympathy, and fear. Why fear? Fear that I would get worse once she left again? Probably.

"Alice." I managed to sob out before shooting up and pulling her tight into a hug. I expected her to freeze up or pull away. But she didn't do either she just held me as I sobbed into her shoulder. Whispering in my ear time to rime things like, 'Didn't want to leave' and 'Edward made us go, thought it was safer.'

"Shhh Bella. It's okay, I'm here with Emmett and Carlisle. I'm not going anywhere. We are moving back. All of us besides Edward…" Her voice got really weak at the end of her sentence. She looked tortured.

"Of course he doesn't want to come back, he doesn't love me. He never cared. And he never did!" I sobbed harder into her rock hard shoulder. Just talking about him made me sad. But being my old best friend made it a little better. It didn't make me feel completely alone.

"Oh shut up Bella! **It isn't true!** He's a lying sack of used douche water. He lied to protect you!" She pretty much growled out.

"I'll wait for Edward to tell me that. Thank you." I sat back down and looked at my doodle and shaded it in a bit, while twisting my left lip piercing. **(A/N: I used to do this all the time when I had my lip piercing.) **Alice sat down across from me on the bench and cleared her throat. I didn't look up at her yet though.

She cleared her throat again. I took that as a warning sign, so I put down my pencil, folded my hands and looked up at her, "Umm Bella…when did you get all that…" She gestured to my face. "They look kind of painful." She said with a slight grimace tracing her features.

"Not at all. I only got the nose and right lower lip on the same day. I've had a lot of free time since I didn't have my boyfriend or best friend." I looked up at her and gave her my fiercest glare.

She stood up and grabbed her black handbag that went with her knee high black long sleeve dress, and black ankle boots. I looked at the expression on her face and it looked if she could cry she would be. I feel bad for what I said now.

I pulled my GIR backpack onto the bench and grabbed my black iPod out of the front pouch. I flipped my notepad to a new page and started to write a new poem.-

_You Went Away,  
Took My Heart,  
I Dropped A Tear,  
And Died That Night…_

I signed it _I Loved You- Isabella Swan_. I will never stop loving him. I will always love him. Even after my heart stops beating. I will always love him no matter the distance, no matter what happens he will always be the one that owns my heart. Keep it safe Edward. Where ever you are, keep my heart safe. I know you don't want it, but it left when you left. I love you Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. Always have, always will.

As I logged the last sentence in I noticed I was crying. Crying bittersweet tears. For him. For the love of my life. I looked down at the page and saw my tears plop down onto the page, and I cried more. I had a stream of silent tears flowing down my face.

I crossed my arms and put my forehead on them. I don't know how long I was sitting there like that but soon the bell rang. I got up and put away my written on notepad. I looked at my iPod, Helena by My Chemical Romance; how fitting for my previous thoughts… I stuck my iPod into my pocket and walked to English Class with Mr. Mason.

I opened my text book and put it down on my desk, I put my head phones in and put up my hood and put on my sunglasses I leaned back in my seat and listening soothing music of 4 Words To Choke Upon by Bullet For My Valentine.

I looked up to a nudge on my shoulder to see none other then Alice Cullen. "Bella can you turn down your music? The screaming is starting to hurt my ears…" She trailed as soon as I flipped her off and slouched lower into the seat.

I turned my music up higher just to piss her off then the song changed Cute Without The E by Taking Back Sunday. **(A/N: There is someone out there that is very special to my and Lyn that will understand this song!)**

I packed up when I saw everyone else leaving, and I grabbed my book and put it in my GIR backpack and walked out of the classroom. As soon as I was in the hallway I felt to strong arms wrap around and me picking me up. I froze at the touch. I did not speak; I did not move I stood completely still.

"Oh come on Bella. You must have missed me more then to be a piece of wood." Emmett's booming voice vibrated off the walls. I wiggled my way out of his grip and landed on my feet. I've be come a lot less clumsy over the last few months, knowing no one was there to catch me.

"Hey Emmett, sorry just thinking over a nightmare I had last night." What am I say? Why would I be telling Emmett this? Oh well maybe I should get some Pepto-Bismol for this word vomit…

"Ya I would be having nightmares if I were you too. Probably about demons, or mummies, or _vampires_." He said with his big goofy dimpled grim. God what a stupid accession. Of course I had nightmares about a certain vampire, but he isn't that scary.

"To see demons in your dream, represent ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer." I said not looking away from my iPod looking for a song to listen to. I picked Break by Three Days Grace.

"Damn Bella going all intelligent on me. Making me look bad." He said with a deep chuckle. I rolled my eyes at him and turned the corner towards my locker. I got to my locker and switched out my English book for my Government book.

I walked to my next class ignoring all the ridicule from everyone. I just walked quickly with my head down, my hood up, and my sunglasses on. Today isn't going to be a good day. I just know it. I completely know it.

I walked into the room only a minute late, better then usual. I took my seat in the back of the class like usual, put my iPod on to The Funeral by Band of Horses, pulled up my hoodie, and grabbed my book and read today's lesson. I never got in trouble for my antics; the teachers let me pass by when ever I wanted to. They didn't care.

I finished reading the lesson and did tonight's homework only half way through class so I took out Pride and Prejudice. I was at the part where Mr. Collins realizes Darcy is related to his patroness Lady Catherine. I read through the part, and then the bell rang. I got out of my seat packed my bag, before leaving the classroom I looked down the corridor but I did not see anymore Cullen's.

I made a brisk walk to my truck outside. I scratched some loose paint off my car door, then I opened the door and got in. I quickly started the car and drove off. I didn't want to talk to any of the Cullen's anymore. I didn't want to talk at all.

I pulled up to my house, and ran up the steps. I unlocked the front door and ran up the stairs to my room. I stepped in and looked at all the things that have collected dust over the last few months. The other half of my bed, my window, all the area by the window and much, much more.

I stiffly walked to my bed and sat down on it. Something has changed about my room though. I painted almost every surface was gray; it made my room seem smaller, like it was sucking me up. Just like I wish the world would. It has sucked me up, but it spit me out. I wish it didn't, I wish it just swallowed me.

I say here on my bed, just staring at my hands blankly. Not knowing where I'm going with my life. I think I'm going no where. Absolutely no where. But I don't care. I am who I am, I wish I was different but no. I am Isabella Marie Swan. Yep…just plain old Bella.

I pulled out my notepad and flipped to a page, and I grabbed my iPod and put in on to Afterlife by Avenged Sevenfold. I grabbed my pencil and started drawing. I didn't know what I was drawing. I just let my hand do its thing. As I doodled I thought about everything. My mother, my father, my ex-friends, my_…-Edward-…_ I can't even think of him in that way.

My hand stopped doodling after about an hour; I looked down to see myself. Myself in a graveyard, and written in the middle of the picture was 'Hold Your Breath'. I must have been thinking a lot about my mother. Because that's what my mother would say to me whenever we pasted a graveyard. She would say, 'Hold your breath Baby. It will give you and them good luck.' **(A/N: My mother used to tell me this. How about any of you?)**

The graveyard was my hopes and dreams, and I had to hold my breath as I passed by them, as I gave up on them. My hopes and dreams are dead, and I passed right by them today. But the significance of the artwork is that I was sitting under a willow tree. The tree Edward left me under. And the tree I see in my dreams every night. **(A/N: Sorry if the tree isn't a willow, but it fit the picture didn't it?) **

I set down my notepad on my bedside table, and grabbed a cigarette and lit it. I turned slowly to my dusty window, and I swear I saw golden eyes peering through it at me. I grabbed my cigarette tightly between my lips and hosted myself up I slowly walked over to the window. I opened it up only to see a small note stuck on the window ledge. It read:

_Bella, I'm back._

_~ E _

I decided to play his little game. I walked back to my bed and wrote back:

_Sorry if I don't seem ecstatic. But I thought you meant what you promised! Silly me…  
Fuck Off,  
B _

I gave the note a kiss with my bright red lipstick, and slapped it back in place. And locked the window. I walked back to my bed, when I heard rustling in the tree outside my window. Then there was no sound, no sound at all. Until a loud dry sob, and something hitting the ground hard.

_I guess he knows I'm not the same Bella…_


	5. Hiatus

I'm sorry, but I have to put my story on Hiatus. I've just been going through some really hard shit right now, and I just can't find time for Fanfiction in this part of my life. I will try to update within the next three months, but it just might not happen. I am truly sorry. But yeah.

Sincerely,

Parker Meadow Lexington (yes I know I have a weird name…)


End file.
